I go against the current of the waters
What is popular, or what is the trend
I go my own way
I do not follow what other people are doing
For I am not them, I am myself
And what is life, to follow?
You lead your own life, not theirs, but yours alone

An example of this in our modern society today;
Mainstream music is the music that is played on the radio
These days people intend to not go with the popular flow,
And listen to 'Indie' music, where they are unknown independent bands
Nowadays, if you listen to 'indie' music, you are regarded as cool
So, what's the point?
Oh so you listen to indie music because you prefer to stand out, and be cool? But being cool is the trend!
And what's the point of listening to 'indie' music only so you can be labeled as 'cool' but don't genuinely enjoy listening to it?!

Home

Remember how a few days back I said, I wanted to leave home as soon as I can.
Well, I had a second thought.
A few weeks ago I went to visit my cousin, who had previously been living in Indonesia with her parents. I cannot say she wasn't spoiled. Anything she wanted, she received.
Just last year, she moved here to study, but just recently, she moved in an apartment with a housemate.
I went and visited that place. I must say, it has the facilities of a hotel, and it looks awfully expensive to rent that place. But it has no homey feeling about it, you know. The kind of emotion or feeling you get when you get home. You might think, well it's not my home, hence I wouldn't get that feeling, but even if I go to someone's house, I sometimes would get that feeling.
Just not this time. It was a tiny confined space. Only the essential things are there, no luxury.
Then I thought, this isn't the kind of life I want when I move out. So, why was I thinking of moving out in the first place?
I love my home. It's just that I don't feel comfortable here anymore, ever since my stepmum moved in. Life has been very different.
Ugh. Different unpleasant smells, unpleasant sounds, and unpleasant surroundings. I have to be careful where I place my belongings, because she might take it, or might throw it away, etc. I don't feel comfortable living in my own house!
I want the past to come back.
I want my childhood to come back.
Will that ever happen?
I do not know.
My memories are erased.
Why can't we turn back time.
Time scares me.
I want my home back.
Home, with all five members of my family present.
My father, my mother, and my two brothers. Reunited again, and living happily together again, eternally. :)

voetbal talk

FOOTBALL CLUBS
1. Arsenal
2. Bayern Munich

NATIONAL TEAMS
1. Netherlands
2. Germany


UNPOPULAR OPINION TIME
I do not like;
-Messi
-Spain NT (except Cesc)
-Barcelona FC

Reincarnation

Yesterday, on my way home to school, on the tram I heard these two girls talking, at the tram stop, and I overheard the conversation, where one girl said, "I think I was a dog in my past life."
And I stopped to think.
"Hm, that person believes in reincarnation. There are more people in this world who believe in reincarnation that I expected."
I personally do not believe in reincarnation.
I was raised as a Buddhist though, where they believe that life is like a wheel, it never stops, when you die, you are born again, but in a different form, whether you are a human, or an animal.
This is the sad thing, they believe sinners are to be reincarnated into an animal, or something bad/worse in the next life, to punish what they did in the previous life.
I remember being told this when I was young. I probably did something rude, like talk back to older people, and it was believed that if you sinned using your mouth (rude, hurt people through your words, etc,), you were to be reincarnated into a fish, as their mouths keep on moving, and never shuts. And other animals, I cannot remember at this instance, but it used to scare me.
I too am scared, writing this at this very moment. Saying how I do not believe, but I am scared. What if it is true. I certainly hope not though, because then what are we living for?
It worries me that what I do now, will affect my "next life".
It is also believed that people who have diseases, or are unfortunate, are poor, etc. is because of what they did in the previous life. The question is, how is it fair that we should be punished in the next life because of what we did previously. What if we weren't informed about reincarnation. Like, it is coincidental, that I have been informed and educated about the belief of reincarnation, in this life, but then if I didn't, and I sinned, then I will receive my punishments and suffer in the next life, where our memories are erased, where we don't know why.
This really scares me.
Ugh, this whole thing about the after life scares me.
Maybe it's my lack of sleep that makes me think of strange things I do not even want to think about.

Venice

I can imagine my self living in Venice.
A city with no roads, just water.
There would be no transportation pollution, except only the small amount from the motorised boats perhaps, but I do not see why anyone would choose to travel in a motorised vehicle, in a city such as Venice.
Things are meant to go slowly.
There is no time.
No rush.
Just relax.
It would be nice as well, since my legs are not one hundred percent perfect, it would be nice to having not care to over-tire my legs, just sit and paddle gondolas.
Sway with the waters, paddle with the sound of the birds.

I will learn to live before I die

After I finish school, I would like to get into university. Study as a barrister, and then become a prosecutor or a defense lawyer.

Before university though, the holidays after Year 12, what I'd like to be doing- what I can see myself doing.

-Go to England with my brother, watch an Arsenal game.
-Travel around Europe; Holland, Germany, Austria, Venice, Florence, Rome, Paris, etc.
-Go to some place in need, and volunteer help out.

Then when I am in university, I'd like to move out- live in an apartment with awesome roommates.

Live Independent, Free, and Happy, just like the birds in the sky.
These birds, they fly, like they have no worries.
Just flapping their wings, and off they go, to some distant place, beyond the horizon.
The sky's the limit, but they can go anywhere.
To escape from danger, they can just spread their wings and flee flying.
In the open sky, blue, and cloudless, a sunny day, soar whichever way the wind blows.
I want to be free like the birds.

Now Playing- I Want to Break Free- Queen

From all the things I wasn't able to do, all things people looked down on me upon, not believing I would be able to, mocking me, I had always said, one day, I'm going to prove it to them that I can achieve my dream.

In life, there are competitors. The human race have a natural instinct to be competitive. Everyone wants to be the best. Always. But some are luckier than others. Some are born into a wealthy, healthy and happy family. Those are the real lucky ones.

Some are born into a poor, unhealthy and miserable family. But those people who manage to succeed, are looked up to so fondly.

Some are poor, but they are smart, hence they have a bright future.

Some are rich, but are also smart, they have an even brighter future.

Some are rich, but not so smart, but they can afford to exercise their brains and get tutorings to increase their knowledge and become smart/smarter.

Some are poor, and not smart. What is their life going to be?

The rich people say, this world cannot be equal because then it would be boring. They only say that because they have never experienced a suffering, how hard it is to live in harsh conditions. They have enjoyed life so much in their luxurious way of life that they do not even care how other people feel.

This is life.

It is unfair. But what can one do?

I am unpopular, have many problems, no real friends, no one to talk to, sad, and I can go on and on about all the negativities in my life. I am not exactly smart, I am a bit slow, lazy, always can't be bothered studying or doing homework, and some used to say that I am rude. (mostly my dad's side of the family)

But I am understanding. I don't even know why I am so understanding, I'm hurting myself. I see other people talking bad things, lying, cursing about other people, or shouting at other people, angrily, leaving the other in shock and sadness. But why, must I become so empathetic these days.

I used to always argue with people, I was strong. But then, I think it was the day when I saw my dad cry, because I had argued with him. I still felt that I was still right, but I did not want to see him cry. I think it had something to do with my mother and him wanting to remarry or something. But I felt bad seeing him cry, you know. I mean, I had hurt him, I had made him cry.

I think it was from then on, that I always felt bad for everything I say. Always worrying, what if I hurt that person's feelings. I became too afraid to make an impact on others. Even to bad people, such as criminals I've read or heard about in the news, when they get punished, I always say, "they deserve it!" but then not long after that, I would say, "actually I think they deserve a second chance," or something like that. I've become to soft and weak. I let others trample over me. And I always wear a mask, hiding who I really am inside. I've even forgotten who I am. I've forgotten how I look like. How I used to feel.

I used to say to myself, "keep on believing. Prove to those who had made fun of you, said bad things about you, won't believe in you, wrong. Go on, get that dream, get into Harvard Law School. Become a top barrister."

After a phone call with my grandmother, wishing her a 'Happy Birthday', tears flow upon my face. No it is not because she is not well. I'd asked her if everything was well, and she said yes. She seems fine, happy and healthy. I was just going to ask her how everything was, whether she was well, when she interrupted saying, "Here, talk to Aunt Christine," one Aunt I particularly despise, because she was the one who introduced my now stepmum to my dad. So I quickly said, "No, I want to talk to you." My grandma then said, "But you're already talking to me, here." But I insisted, "No, ..er.. today's your day! I want to talk to you!" avoiding having to speak with my nemesis aunt. But also, I wanted to know how my grandmother was, how she is, and if everything is well.
Okay so then I finally got to ask, and thankfully all is well.
Then, I was like, "Do you want to talk to Dad again?" And she said, "No, I want to talk to... what's her name.. Mum."
I, lost for words, I said, "Err... .... " silent for a little bit, until my grandma said, "You know, your dad's wife. What do you call her?"
"Uhh. Auntie." I replied, quickly, because she was right there in front of me, holding out her hand as if she wanted to grab the phone already, smiling in her crooked smiling way.
"Well you should call her, 'Mum'." my grandmother insisted.
"Uhh..No." I didn't want to be rude to her on her birthday, but at that point tears started running. I took a moment not saying anything to catch my breath, not wanting to sound like I cried, and gave the phone to her.

This is what it's like with my dad's family.
Only because my dad's the one with the new wife, they insisted that my dad remarried, and that I should treat her and call her 'Mum'.
Do they not understand, how it feels, when someone says that, and you know you cannot treat another person to replace someone else. My dad's side of the family are always like that.
They are never empathetical, or even sympathetic. They are always selfish, and say whatever they like, without thinking firstly how others would feel. They do what they like, without thinking how it affects other people. Most of the time, they verbally abuse me, but do they realise it, no. Their words stab me in the heart. They talk about others behind their backs, untrue things about ones they hate.
However, this is my family.
I cannot lie to say I am not one bit ashamed, but I have to accept this.
I respect them, I listen to them, I would follow their orders.
In the past, I have always argued, if they said painful things to me. They made me cry, I made them even more infuriated. Once I had an argument with my grandma, I kicked her in the shin. She got even more angry, and I got into even more trouble.
Then I used to always argue with everyone if I disagreed with what they said.
Now, I am a doormat, I let others trample. I let others say what they like, even if it hurts me, because I don't want to argue back, and hurt them in return.

I hear accounts of other teenagers around me, being rebellious to their parents, arguing with them, swearing, cursing. I look at them and think to myself, if only I could do that, express my feelings without hurting anyone.

24 Augustus 2010 17:28 PM

Hullo there from next door!

Hi there.
As you may have probably noticed.
I am a 'weirdo'
I don't have many friends and whenever I try to say something funny, or like as a joke, it's always awkward.
I'll post things in this blog about random things about my life, and events that happened.
It may not be interesting, but I'll appreciate it!
If no one reads this blog, then I would just use it for something to laugh about in the future when I come back into this blog.
At the moment it is 6:03 PM August the 1st, 2010
Typing to you from "Down Under"
:)


image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/william_attard_mccarthy/3642736451/