From all the things I wasn't able to do, all things people looked down on me upon, not believing I would be able to, mocking me, I had always said, one day, I'm going to prove it to them that I can achieve my dream.

In life, there are competitors. The human race have a natural instinct to be competitive. Everyone wants to be the best. Always. But some are luckier than others. Some are born into a wealthy, healthy and happy family. Those are the real lucky ones.

Some are born into a poor, unhealthy and miserable family. But those people who manage to succeed, are looked up to so fondly.

Some are poor, but they are smart, hence they have a bright future.

Some are rich, but are also smart, they have an even brighter future.

Some are rich, but not so smart, but they can afford to exercise their brains and get tutorings to increase their knowledge and become smart/smarter.

Some are poor, and not smart. What is their life going to be?

The rich people say, this world cannot be equal because then it would be boring. They only say that because they have never experienced a suffering, how hard it is to live in harsh conditions. They have enjoyed life so much in their luxurious way of life that they do not even care how other people feel.

This is life.

It is unfair. But what can one do?

I am unpopular, have many problems, no real friends, no one to talk to, sad, and I can go on and on about all the negativities in my life. I am not exactly smart, I am a bit slow, lazy, always can't be bothered studying or doing homework, and some used to say that I am rude. (mostly my dad's side of the family)

But I am understanding. I don't even know why I am so understanding, I'm hurting myself. I see other people talking bad things, lying, cursing about other people, or shouting at other people, angrily, leaving the other in shock and sadness. But why, must I become so empathetic these days.

I used to always argue with people, I was strong. But then, I think it was the day when I saw my dad cry, because I had argued with him. I still felt that I was still right, but I did not want to see him cry. I think it had something to do with my mother and him wanting to remarry or something. But I felt bad seeing him cry, you know. I mean, I had hurt him, I had made him cry.

I think it was from then on, that I always felt bad for everything I say. Always worrying, what if I hurt that person's feelings. I became too afraid to make an impact on others. Even to bad people, such as criminals I've read or heard about in the news, when they get punished, I always say, "they deserve it!" but then not long after that, I would say, "actually I think they deserve a second chance," or something like that. I've become to soft and weak. I let others trample over me. And I always wear a mask, hiding who I really am inside. I've even forgotten who I am. I've forgotten how I look like. How I used to feel.

I used to say to myself, "keep on believing. Prove to those who had made fun of you, said bad things about you, won't believe in you, wrong. Go on, get that dream, get into Harvard Law School. Become a top barrister."

After a phone call with my grandmother, wishing her a 'Happy Birthday', tears flow upon my face. No it is not because she is not well. I'd asked her if everything was well, and she said yes. She seems fine, happy and healthy. I was just going to ask her how everything was, whether she was well, when she interrupted saying, "Here, talk to Aunt Christine," one Aunt I particularly despise, because she was the one who introduced my now stepmum to my dad. So I quickly said, "No, I want to talk to you." My grandma then said, "But you're already talking to me, here." But I insisted, "No, ..er.. today's your day! I want to talk to you!" avoiding having to speak with my nemesis aunt. But also, I wanted to know how my grandmother was, how she is, and if everything is well.
Okay so then I finally got to ask, and thankfully all is well.
Then, I was like, "Do you want to talk to Dad again?" And she said, "No, I want to talk to... what's her name.. Mum."
I, lost for words, I said, "Err... .... " silent for a little bit, until my grandma said, "You know, your dad's wife. What do you call her?"
"Uhh. Auntie." I replied, quickly, because she was right there in front of me, holding out her hand as if she wanted to grab the phone already, smiling in her crooked smiling way.
"Well you should call her, 'Mum'." my grandmother insisted.
"Uhh..No." I didn't want to be rude to her on her birthday, but at that point tears started running. I took a moment not saying anything to catch my breath, not wanting to sound like I cried, and gave the phone to her.

This is what it's like with my dad's family.
Only because my dad's the one with the new wife, they insisted that my dad remarried, and that I should treat her and call her 'Mum'.
Do they not understand, how it feels, when someone says that, and you know you cannot treat another person to replace someone else. My dad's side of the family are always like that.
They are never empathetical, or even sympathetic. They are always selfish, and say whatever they like, without thinking firstly how others would feel. They do what they like, without thinking how it affects other people. Most of the time, they verbally abuse me, but do they realise it, no. Their words stab me in the heart. They talk about others behind their backs, untrue things about ones they hate.
However, this is my family.
I cannot lie to say I am not one bit ashamed, but I have to accept this.
I respect them, I listen to them, I would follow their orders.
In the past, I have always argued, if they said painful things to me. They made me cry, I made them even more infuriated. Once I had an argument with my grandma, I kicked her in the shin. She got even more angry, and I got into even more trouble.
Then I used to always argue with everyone if I disagreed with what they said.
Now, I am a doormat, I let others trample. I let others say what they like, even if it hurts me, because I don't want to argue back, and hurt them in return.

I hear accounts of other teenagers around me, being rebellious to their parents, arguing with them, swearing, cursing. I look at them and think to myself, if only I could do that, express my feelings without hurting anyone.

24 Augustus 2010 17:28 PM

Hullo there from next door!

Hi there.
As you may have probably noticed.
I am a 'weirdo'
I don't have many friends and whenever I try to say something funny, or like as a joke, it's always awkward.
I'll post things in this blog about random things about my life, and events that happened.
It may not be interesting, but I'll appreciate it!
If no one reads this blog, then I would just use it for something to laugh about in the future when I come back into this blog.
At the moment it is 6:03 PM August the 1st, 2010
Typing to you from "Down Under"
:)


image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/william_attard_mccarthy/3642736451/