i've been ostracised all of my life ever since i can remember
i remember having friends then them leaving me for other people
it's always like that everyone always leaves me
nobody ever likes me
they always forget me and ostracise me
i've never included and always left out, forgotten, abandoned, left.
don't people say to be yourself and shit like that
what do i have to do is it really my personality
i try my best to be nice, friendly, etc
i'm sorry i'm socially awkward
i'm sorry my mother and brother passed away and i've pretty much become a shy, quiet person
what's a failure like me gotta do in life
i'm nothing special
leave me to die in the streets
surely no one cares
i am 100% sure no one cares with the exception of my dad and my brother.
i have such big ambitions too
to be a barrister
ha
ha
an anglo-celtic, male dominated profession.
here i am an asian female who is just awkward in general.
pffftttt
i wonder if i suicide
Friday, August 3, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
love doesn't exist
i laugh at those broken hearted people
it's their fault for falling in love in the first place hah
giving their heart to someone else
then having it broken
you deserve it for trusting them, for falling for them.
true love doesn't exist.
i kinda wish it does though. it'd be nice knowing something that overrules all exists. hahahah though i really doubt it...
i do sometimes feel like i want someone who i can share my life stories to, who i can do anything with without being judged, who will lend me his shoulder to cry on, to laugh with, who will listen to me, who will help me, etc.
one crucial criteria though- they do not smoke or drink.
it's their fault for falling in love in the first place hah
giving their heart to someone else
then having it broken
you deserve it for trusting them, for falling for them.
true love doesn't exist.
i kinda wish it does though. it'd be nice knowing something that overrules all exists. hahahah though i really doubt it...
i do sometimes feel like i want someone who i can share my life stories to, who i can do anything with without being judged, who will lend me his shoulder to cry on, to laugh with, who will listen to me, who will help me, etc.
one crucial criteria though- they do not smoke or drink.
Friday, August 19, 2011
excuse me
I look at other kids who say they hate their parents and I'm disgusted. Their parents are the ones who raised them up and made them who they are today, yet they're not grateful of their presence.
I know what it feels like to lose the people you are closest to. I know that I shouldn't feel unthankful for the family I have. But my aunties from my dad's side... I just don't know what their problem is. Why they like to interfere with my life.. they tell me to do ridiculous things, and advice me on how I can be a "better person" yet they have a log in their own eye.
I know what it feels like to lose the people you are closest to. I know that I shouldn't feel unthankful for the family I have. But my aunties from my dad's side... I just don't know what their problem is. Why they like to interfere with my life.. they tell me to do ridiculous things, and advice me on how I can be a "better person" yet they have a log in their own eye.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I just don't understand people.
We are all one and the same, we are all the same species.
Animals might kill one another to fight for territory or whatever, but we humans aren't allowed to kill.. but there is still that hate.
Hate between races, hate between gender, hate between families, everything.
The human nature of looking down upon those who are different, those who are poorer, envy, revenge, anger, unforgiving, grudging, etc.
My only uncle, my aunties' only younger brother is sick. He has a tumor on one of his liver. I haven't known him for long. The last time I met him was 3 years ago, but it felt like I've known him for ages. He's one of my favourite siblings of my dad.
He remarried with a native Indonesian, and now has 3 really young kids, I think the oldest is 12, and the youngest is 3 and a half. I just went to visit them and after that my dad said to me, "Look at your uncle, his children are still so young, feel sorry for them. The youngest doesn't understand anything yet."
I know. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was 5 years old, and I didn't understand anything either. When I was a bit older I remember getting a pamphlet that said, "My mummy has cancer." I don't know, I felt... special. None of my friends' mums have cancer. Little did I know that it meant my mum was hurting a lot and that soon she was to die.
But my mum still went for treatment, to Singapore, to Australia, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, etc. We could afford it.
My uncle however has just enough money to eat, and to survive. Siblings, being family, having the same blood should care about one another right, of course they would help their brother when he's in need of money. Even one of my aunts who's not wealthy either still contributed a lot, because she cares about his brother, and wants him to get better no matter the cost.
Money can't guarantee health, but anything is worth a try right. You never know unless you try. There is no cost for the human life.
Yet, two of my aunts would still not speak to my uncle. One of them has donated a small amount, together with his first wife, but the other, probably the richest of the siblings has not. They don't get along well with my uncle, because he remarried, with a native Indonesian.
Those two are obviously racist. My family is of Chinese heritage, and yeah, growing up, we're taught to stay away from them, because they treat us differently and there was one year where the Chinese are attacked and so I guess we don't feel safe around them either. But does it matter now your own brother is sick.
When my grandfather, their father, was gravely ill, they also refused to see him. Because he too remarried with a native Indonesian.
I just don't understand how they could be like that, they are from his blood, and he had worked hard to raise them, put them into school, university. They have become who they are because of him. Yet, there then grows this hatred because he remarried someone who is not of the same coloured skin.
My dad remarried. I HATE his new wife. Not because she is of different coloured skin, however, she's Chinese. She's just really dumb and ugly, and I have never wanted a stepmum, it doesn't matter if we are of the same race, it doesn't matter who my dad marries, I will never like his new wife.
But I still love my dad very much.
I just don't understand...life.
We are all one and the same, we are all the same species.
Animals might kill one another to fight for territory or whatever, but we humans aren't allowed to kill.. but there is still that hate.
Hate between races, hate between gender, hate between families, everything.
The human nature of looking down upon those who are different, those who are poorer, envy, revenge, anger, unforgiving, grudging, etc.
My only uncle, my aunties' only younger brother is sick. He has a tumor on one of his liver. I haven't known him for long. The last time I met him was 3 years ago, but it felt like I've known him for ages. He's one of my favourite siblings of my dad.
He remarried with a native Indonesian, and now has 3 really young kids, I think the oldest is 12, and the youngest is 3 and a half. I just went to visit them and after that my dad said to me, "Look at your uncle, his children are still so young, feel sorry for them. The youngest doesn't understand anything yet."
I know. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was 5 years old, and I didn't understand anything either. When I was a bit older I remember getting a pamphlet that said, "My mummy has cancer." I don't know, I felt... special. None of my friends' mums have cancer. Little did I know that it meant my mum was hurting a lot and that soon she was to die.
But my mum still went for treatment, to Singapore, to Australia, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, etc. We could afford it.
My uncle however has just enough money to eat, and to survive. Siblings, being family, having the same blood should care about one another right, of course they would help their brother when he's in need of money. Even one of my aunts who's not wealthy either still contributed a lot, because she cares about his brother, and wants him to get better no matter the cost.
Money can't guarantee health, but anything is worth a try right. You never know unless you try. There is no cost for the human life.
Yet, two of my aunts would still not speak to my uncle. One of them has donated a small amount, together with his first wife, but the other, probably the richest of the siblings has not. They don't get along well with my uncle, because he remarried, with a native Indonesian.
Those two are obviously racist. My family is of Chinese heritage, and yeah, growing up, we're taught to stay away from them, because they treat us differently and there was one year where the Chinese are attacked and so I guess we don't feel safe around them either. But does it matter now your own brother is sick.
When my grandfather, their father, was gravely ill, they also refused to see him. Because he too remarried with a native Indonesian.
I just don't understand how they could be like that, they are from his blood, and he had worked hard to raise them, put them into school, university. They have become who they are because of him. Yet, there then grows this hatred because he remarried someone who is not of the same coloured skin.
My dad remarried. I HATE his new wife. Not because she is of different coloured skin, however, she's Chinese. She's just really dumb and ugly, and I have never wanted a stepmum, it doesn't matter if we are of the same race, it doesn't matter who my dad marries, I will never like his new wife.
But I still love my dad very much.
I just don't understand...life.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
meh
When people tell me things to help make me feel better, I appreciate it, and I would say, "Thanks."
But then they say, "That's alright. I've gone through a lot myself so I know."
I feel like asking them "what have you gone through exactly? More than I have?
Because I have gone through a lot.
Life's sufferings isn't a competition, I'm not being competitive, but honestly, it hurts to see them say they've suffered a lot, compared to what I have suffered? A lot?
And they say that I am strong, because of what I've experienced. But I'm not. I still weep and cry. I'm not strong enough to just get up and shake things off straight away.
Monday, July 4, 2011
what makes me happy
- flowers
- starry night
- star gazing
- climbing trees and enjoying the view
- internet
- strawberries
- music
- singing
- rafael nadal
- arsenal
- robin van persie
- how rafael nadal is an arsenal fan
- arshavin's expressions
- arshavin
- freddie ljungberg
- bernard tomic
- would i lie to you
- david mitchell
- rob brydon
- jimmy carr
- qi
- alan davies
- jimmy carr
- daffodils
- tulips
- hydrangeas
- roses
- hyacinths
- rainbow lorikeets
- rosellas
- 22 degrees c weather- not too hot not too cold
- summer nights
- how ian poulter is an arsenal fan
- scarborough fair by simon & garfunkel
- mumford and sons
- two door cinema club
- novi my cat
- sheldon from big bang theory
- how i met your mother
- friends the show
- rainbows
- sound of rain gently dripping down my window
- m&ms
- pretty pictures
- tamarillos
- being together with my brother and father
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Am I a goldfish trying to climb a tree?
Is it too far fetched?
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein
I don't know. People around me think I'm stupid, and that I won't even be able to finish year 12 this year. In knowing this, I'm starting to doubt myself too!
I remember when I was young I had ALWAYS wanted to be a lawyer, and that I want to be a Harvard Law School graduate.
Now is the time to start preparing to apply to universities, and I know of many of my friends who are applying to Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, etc.
Just these recent years I'd already started doubting myself.
When someone ask what I want to do, I'd say "Law.... but I know it'd be difficult to get into."
it's like I have no self-esteem, like I don't even believe that I am capable to get into Law.
Maybe it's the OCD- all this worrying. It's really frustrating, I just want to be normal again. I have enough to deal with and I hate everything.
Anyway seeing some of my friends apply to those top universities, I want to be able to get into Harvard too. That's been my dream since I was little. I have the chance to apply, why not now that I'm right in front of it.
I asked my dad his opinion on me applying to Harvard and he sort of raised his tone.
He lectured me on how when I was 14, I moved to Surabaya, to live on my own, and then only after a semester I didn't want to go there anymore. So I am fickle. And if he had paid the expensive enrollment and everything to go to a top university and then only after a semester I change my mind, he'll have no more money.
And then he said- but then you don't even know if you're going to be accepted or not.
(I felt as if he was implying that I'm not capable enough to get accepted- and this made me sort of doubt myself too- am I a goldfish trying to climb a tree? I am definitely not the smartest person in my high school there are way more people who are better than me at everything in my school, but I've always been ambitious.)
Do I walk away from my childhood dreams because people doubt me? I've always said that you have to think big to be big and great, you are what you believe, but now I'm starting to doubt myself too.
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein
I don't know. People around me think I'm stupid, and that I won't even be able to finish year 12 this year. In knowing this, I'm starting to doubt myself too!
I remember when I was young I had ALWAYS wanted to be a lawyer, and that I want to be a Harvard Law School graduate.
Now is the time to start preparing to apply to universities, and I know of many of my friends who are applying to Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, etc.
Just these recent years I'd already started doubting myself.
When someone ask what I want to do, I'd say "Law.... but I know it'd be difficult to get into."
it's like I have no self-esteem, like I don't even believe that I am capable to get into Law.
Maybe it's the OCD- all this worrying. It's really frustrating, I just want to be normal again. I have enough to deal with and I hate everything.
Anyway seeing some of my friends apply to those top universities, I want to be able to get into Harvard too. That's been my dream since I was little. I have the chance to apply, why not now that I'm right in front of it.
I asked my dad his opinion on me applying to Harvard and he sort of raised his tone.
He lectured me on how when I was 14, I moved to Surabaya, to live on my own, and then only after a semester I didn't want to go there anymore. So I am fickle. And if he had paid the expensive enrollment and everything to go to a top university and then only after a semester I change my mind, he'll have no more money.
And then he said- but then you don't even know if you're going to be accepted or not.
(I felt as if he was implying that I'm not capable enough to get accepted- and this made me sort of doubt myself too- am I a goldfish trying to climb a tree? I am definitely not the smartest person in my high school there are way more people who are better than me at everything in my school, but I've always been ambitious.)
Do I walk away from my childhood dreams because people doubt me? I've always said that you have to think big to be big and great, you are what you believe, but now I'm starting to doubt myself too.
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