ostracised

i've been ostracised all of my life ever since i can remember
i remember having friends then them leaving me for other people
it's always like that everyone always leaves me
nobody ever likes me
they always forget me and ostracise me
i've never included and always left out, forgotten, abandoned, left.
don't people say to be yourself and shit like that
what do i have to do is it really my personality
i try my best to be nice, friendly, etc
i'm sorry i'm socially awkward
i'm sorry my mother and brother passed away and i've pretty much become a shy, quiet person
what's a failure like me gotta do in life
i'm nothing special
leave me to die in the streets
surely no one cares
i am 100% sure no one cares with the exception of my dad and my brother.
i have such big ambitions too
to be a barrister
ha
ha
an anglo-celtic, male dominated profession.
here i am an asian female who is just awkward in general.
pffftttt
i wonder if i suicide

love doesn't exist

i laugh at those broken hearted people
it's their fault for falling in love in the first place hah
giving their heart to someone else
then having it broken
you deserve it for trusting them, for falling for them.
true love doesn't exist.
i kinda wish it does though. it'd be nice knowing something that overrules all exists. hahahah though i really doubt it...
i do sometimes feel like i want someone who i can share my life stories to, who i can do anything with without being judged, who will lend me his shoulder to cry on, to laugh with, who will listen to me, who will help me, etc.

one crucial criteria though- they do not smoke or drink.